


More Important than Cereal

by DipShame (RosieG)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Dan has anxiety about death, Established Relationship, M/M, interactive introverts tour, slight spoilers for ii maybe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-06-12 22:52:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15350526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RosieG/pseuds/DipShame
Summary: Something happens during a show that has Dan overthinking everything.





	More Important than Cereal

**Author's Note:**

> I went to the Stockholm Matinee show and this was a real prompt that happened, I've been thinking about writing this fic for a month now, and here it is!

Dan felt absolutely exhausted.

Doing two shows in a day had him lying in bed, his heart hammering against his chest, but so tired he wished the adrenaline would finally wear off and let him sleep.

But sleep was alluding him. He glanced at Phil beside him. Phil, who had passed out the moment they had come back to their hotel and his head had hit the pillow.

Dan studied Phil’s sleeping face for a moment before he sighed and carefully rolled out of bed.

Phil was an especially heavy sleeper in the best of times, but when he was tired, there was no waking him. Dan was glad for it. They were almost done with the European leg of the Interactive Introverts tour and both were starting to feel a little weighed down by the life on the road. Phil really reserved a good night’s sleep.

 

Dan scrawled a quick message for Phil on the hotel notepad just in case he did wake up.

_I’m out for a walk, I’ll be back soon. -D_

Dan left the note on his side of the bed, along with his phone on the nightstand. He was in Sweden, what was the worst thing that could happen?

 

Dan left the hotel room, closing the door carefully behind him, making sure not to disturb Phil.

 

He walked along the cobbled streets of central Stockholm, his mind flitting back to their shows that day. Everything had gone smoothly; the shows had been very fun and the audiences at both shows had been great and very responsive.

Dan smiled to himself thinking about how handsome Phil always looked on stage, how confident he was, especially now that he had the quiff. How Phil was making him fall in love with him all over again and again, every day.

Dan catalogued the show in his mind, smiling at the memory of them on stage teasing and playfighting, of laughing and gentle nudges. He smiled to himself remembering how good it felt to show even the littlest pieces of affection in front of their audience. They had truly come a long way.

Thinking back on the first show of the day, Dan paused his thoughts when he thought of the segment Wholesome Howell and X-rated Phil. One of his prompts had been to make Phil dying a positive thing. He grinned to himself at the memory of how the entire audience had gasped in shock at the prompt. Dan’s grin dimmed though, as he started thinking about the realities of the prompt.

Phil _dying_.

How could that be a good thing, in any universe? He cringed as he remembered his scrambling answer that had been just half a minute of him sputtering about stolen cereal.

But no amount of cereal could ever be the same as having Phil, Phil, who was his entire life.

Dan felt his heart give a sharp pain and he gasped out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding in. Dan felt himself stumble slightly on the cobblestone and he sat down on the nearest piece of wall he found.

Leaning his elbows onto his knees, Dan bent down to cover his face in his hands to take some steadying breaths.

Phil dying was the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to him. Phil, who was so considerate and caring and just pure good. Dan felt his eyes prickle with tears as he thought about everything Phil had done for him. How Phil was such a big part of him that he felt scared to think that one day, losing him would be a very real issue.

Of how the world was so unpredictable that any day could be the one he lost Phil forever.

 

Knowing Phil, he would probably die in a freak accident, slipping on the wet floor in their bathroom or filming a video and falling under the light rig, because fuck, Phil was so clumsy and had the worst luck of anyone Dan had ever met in his life.

Dan would probably come home from the shops to the quiet and he wouldn’t even know what was wrong until he’d find Phil dead on the floor. Dan would drop his bags and rush to Phil, and he would shut down so completely. Maybe scream his anguish.

Dan would have to plan Phil’s funeral and he would have to _attend_ it. He would come back from the funeral to make himself a bowl of cereal. In his mind they tasted like ashes.

And Phil wouldn’t be coming back, ever.

 

Dan choked on a soft sob and he dug the heels of his hands into his eyes, willing the tears that were falling from his eyes away, pushing the terrible, toxic thoughts out of his head.

Dan was still sitting outside in the clear midsummer night, in a foreign country and he was consumed by his morbid thoughts. He was mourning Phil, he realized. Phil whom he had left sleeping in their bed, not an hour earlier. He was being ridiculous, he realized. With a shuddery breath, Dan ran his fingers through the mess of his curls.

“Fuck”, Dan breathed and looked around the empty street. He needed to get back to the hotel, back to Phil.

As Dan walked back to the hotel, he was suddenly hit by a new, terrible thought. What if something had happened to Phil while he had been gone? “Don’t be ridiculous”, He muttered, to calm himself down as he strode through the lobby to the elevators, ignoring the odd look the receptionist was giving him. He felt an urgency to get back to their room and as the elevator took its sweet time coming down to the lobby, Dan ran up the stairs two at a time and hurried to their door, pausing with his keycard half inserted into the lock. Only then did he realize he was panting from running up all those stairs. Dan closed his eyes took a few deep breaths before entering the room as quietly as he could.

Phil’s chest was rising and falling steadily and Dan felt a rock lift off his chest. He sat down on his side of the bed and brushed the jet-black hair from Phil’s forehead where it had fallen during the night. Even with Dan’s fingers brushing through Phil’s hair, he miraculously stayed asleep. Dan settled on the bed to catch up on twitter.

He knew his mind wouldn’t quiet down enough to sleep tonight.

 

Dan had exhausted twitter, Instagram and then finally even tumblr during the night and he had taken to analyzing the butt-ugly art that was adorning their wall. There were no more coherent thoughts in his head, just buzzing and general anxiety.

Phil finally started waking up, rolling to his side, opening his eyes, confused as to why he was face to thigh with Dan. His eyes travelled up at Dan’s face.

“Hi”, Phil’s’ voice was gravelly from sleep, “Been up long?”

“Never went to sleep”

Phil’s brows knit together and he set his hand lightly on Dan’s thigh.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah just insomnia”, Dan finally looked away from the art and down at Phil, “And before you say anything, no I shouldn’t have woken you up, you needed the sleep”

Phil sighed and reached for his glasses from the bedside table, sitting up to look at Dan searchingly.

“I did, but I don’t like you staying up on your own, I know how you get when it’s dark and your imagination gets away from you.”

Dan’s heart swelled softly and his head felt light. Phil was just so goddamned thoughtful. He leaned forward to brush his lips against Phil’s.

“I love you”, Dan murmured against Phil’s lips, the words coming out a little more desperately than he meant to say them.

 

Phil could sense something was wrong. More wrong than just Dan having stayed up all night. After getting up, they had gotten ready for the day. Their next show was that evening and they had been rushing through their morning routine to get in the car to drive across Sweden. Dan had been quiet, the way he usually was when he’d had a sleepless night, but Phil had caught the younger man looking at him, staring intently and he couldn’t pinpoint the look in his eyes. It didn’t seem like normal anxiety for Dan, or even an existential crisis, it seemed more urgent than that.

As the car was on the motorway, Phil reached for Dan’s hand, that was settled on the empty seat in between them. Dan flinched out of his thoughts.

“Keep looking out the window, I don’t want you to get carsick”, Dan said softly.

“It’s the freeway, I’ll be fine”, Phil answered, smiling back at Dan, “But maybe you should try and sleep a little, the evening will be really busy again.”

Dan squeezed Phil’s hand before letting go, and opening his seatbelt. He shifted himself onto the middle seat, belt buckle clicking close as Dan reattached himself to the deathtrap that was their car, leaning his head onto Phil’s shoulder.

“Pet my hair, please”

The request was so quiet Phil almost missed it, but he was quick to move his hand into Dan’s hair and began stroking the soft curls gently.

Dan’s breathing evened out quickly, but Phil kept stroking his hair nonetheless. He turned his head back to the fields rolling by and he wished he could do more for Dan.

 

Phil woke Dan up once the car stopped in front of their hotel. Dan looked around groggily and straightened up.

Phil gave him a little smile and got out of the car. Their tour manager was quick to give them their keycards and ushered them into the hotel.

 

Dan was still rubbing sleep from his eyes as Phil pulled him into a hug, once they were in the privacy of their room.

“Will you tell me what’s wrong now? I can’t stand it when you don’t tell me what’s bothering you”, Phil asked tenderly, holding the taller man close. Dan cuddled closer into Phil.

“You’re going to think it’s stupid”, Dan murmured into Phil’s neck. Phil petted Dan’s back.

“Don’t belittle your problems, if it’s bothering you it can’t be stupid”, Phil answered. Dan was good at deflecting and undermining himself. It was something that therapy had helped with, but at times Dan still slipped into bad habits. Phil kissed Dan’s forehead, “Come on, Dan it’s just me.”

“You’re more important to me than cereal”, Dan managed to choke out. Phil couldn’t be more confused as he let out a soft, “What?”

“The show yesterday”, Dan answered, “But I told you it was stupid”

“Dan, what triggered you?” Phil asked suddenly worried and horrified he had missed Dan’s anxiety so wholly, “What part of the show was it, are you okay to do today’s show?”

Just as Dan was answering him, there was a knock on the door.

“We need to leave for the meet and greet, be downstairs in 10!” A voice called through the door. Phil sighed.

“I’m fine to do the show”, Dan stepped away from the hug.

“Tell me later, okay? “

 

After arriving down in the lobby, they didn’t get another moment alone until it was showtime. They were backstage waiting for the song to end, as Phil reached for Dan’s hand, knowing the microphone was still turned off but still setting his free hand over the top of it.

“I love you”

Dan looked back into Phil’s eyes and squeezed his hand back, “I love you, too”

 

Dan was so totally exhausted when they got back to their hotel room that he decided to stop fighting his self-censorship. Phil had started digging through his suitcase for his sleepwear and Dan shuffled on the balls of his feet.

“I got sucked into this vortex of thoughts where you were dead”, Dan said finally, voice flat. Phil stilled and straightened up. He studied Dan’s face carefully and took a small step towards him.

“How?” Phil asked calmly. Dan kept quiet and looked down at his feet.

“It was the Wholesome Howell prompt of you dying and I got caught up in my own head because I’m useless, Phil. I don’t deserve you, but I’m too selfish to let you go and I certainly can’t live without you either”, Dan snapped suddenly, words dropping out of his mouth almost too quickly for Phil to catch the whole thing. Phil stared at Dan stunned, he took a careful step forward, as not to spook Dan and wrapped his arms around the younger man.

“You don’t have to deserve me. Just like you always say, I don’t have to do anything to earn getting take away, you don’t have to do anything to earn or deserve me. I choose you, Dan, as long as you want me to choose you”, Phil said in the softest voice, Dan melting into the hug slightly and wrapping his arms around Phil too. Phil knew he was getting through to Dan, on some level at least

“I want you to choose me. I’m just scared I’ll lose you”, Dan said, voice thick. Phil shushed Dan slightly.

“I’m not going anywhere, I’m here and I’m yours”, Phil whispered to Dan. Dan sniffed softly.

“You won’t always be”, Dan answered, now hitting the true core of what was eating him inside.

“Neither will you”, Phil hummed with finality, “Being in a relationship is always like jumping head first off a ten meter high diving board, not knowing if there’s water in the pool or not, and I will gladly take every minute I’m allowed with you over safeguarding myself by not being with you. You’re it for me Howell”, Phil said teasingly. Dan chuckled wetly.

“You’re it for me too, Lester. Now distract my mind from mortality.”

“Want to cuddle?” Phil beamed softly.

“Please”

 

Somehow, Phil knew they were going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it.  
> I'm @kitipallo on twitter, if you want to say hi!


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